| International Man of Intrigue (written over the last few days before leaving Manila) | |||
| 12:36pm 29/06/2009 | |||
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It's time to put some of my anachronism in the past. On the way to Manila, I had the funny realization that most of my tastes are firmly planted in the past; more of a reorganization of thought, as I already consciously believed that the past has us beat. I had chosen to dress in a mod-ish “psychedelic” way (that many people now seem to think looks “disco”). Most of the music I enjoy is older than I am, as is most of the literature. For my tastes, television seemed to reach a peak in the 1970's and film was just beginning it's steady, dramatic decline. I am normally polite and, while my speech isn't always what I would call “refined”, I generally avoid crudeness; and, until moving to New York, almost never used foul language (and still speak less crudely than almost anyone I know). My tastes in art and nearly everything else have been firmly rooted in the past - I have been a very very young old man! Manila posed an interesting symbol for me. While on the train to Marikina, I saw much of Manila and noted to Kandice how much of the city looks like it had 25-40 years ago, only much of it is decaying and in shambles. While the city is teeming with romance, the heavy paranoia that hangs in the air and the poverty that flows throughout much of the metro area symbolized how I had been living my life: My structures are in decay. My philosophy is impoverished. My passion has been tamed by fear. I believe in dynamic change and have, to this point, failed to embody my beliefs. Since I started my life over with Kandice, I have had many many small ideas, new and revised, about myself, my life, and my style; while enduring some incredible tribulations outside of my love life. These trials have been invaluable in cleansing my grip on anachronism and sweeping the skeletons out of the closet of my mind, soul, and body. My style has slowly become fresher and more tropical, small bit by small bit. Now I feel that I have put the aspects I have been incorporating into a whole – something new and vital and alive! My artistic vivre has undergone a transformation in a similar direction: more tropical, more Asian, and more folksy (without sacrificing my desire for elegance). I want to throw myself into a new musical project. My writing feels alive again! This trip has put all the pieces of this puzzle together into a cohesive whole. While visiting the Buddhist temple in the part of town we're staying in and getting an intense therapeutic massage have helped liven these bones; having the love of my life at my side, showing me how to be here now, the Philippines have brought my corpse back to life. At the temple, I burned three sticks of incense and asked the All “What is it that I'm looking for?” When I left the temple, Kandice noticed that I had a scratch on the end of my nose, underneath. What I'm looking for has been right under my nose! Really, the energy and life here is beyond anything that I have experienced before. And I have not gotten to visit any of the lovely beaches and forests – I've been in rough-and-tumble metro Manila! I really don't want to go back to the United States. On my second-to-last day in the Philippines, I visited renowned psychic Jojo Acuin. Not only was this man very accurate in his reading, the experience seemed to heal me and inspired me with quite a bit of confidence. He invited me to call him any time and to visit him whenever I am in Manila. I love my now-adventurous life, I love my family, and I love myself. I have my soulmate and love her passionately! I am truly blessed. |
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| Read 1 - Post | |||
| I was meant to be a world traveler | |||
| 03:04am 20/06/2009 | |||
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The rigors of travel don't stress me out too much. The only thing that bothers me is missing too much sleep. I can be grouchy when I miss too much sleep. I really enjoy spending so much time with my soulmate, traveling great distances, and coming to remarkable conclusions about my life. On the flights to Houston and to Tokyo, many of the staff were rude and behaved in a bizarre fashion. One of the stewardesses watched me spill a drink on myself and walked away without saying a word! They sighed rudely and made strange comments. I'm always exceedingly polite and patient when I travel and I always dress well. I don't know what the problem could be. Tokyo was a tease - one night in a hotel while waiting for a flight the next day. I saw almost nothing and yet I really would like to spend some time there on a future trip. Guam has also been a tease - a long break, waiting in the airport between flights. The tropical landscapes that I gazed upon from the window of the plane filled me with wonder and the occasional spectacular-from-a-distance views out of the odd window at the airport inspire me to mark Guam down as another place to spend some future trip-time. I really look forward to being in the Philippines and feel quite fortunate to be able to access the internet right now. Meeting more of Kandice's relatives and exploring the markets... nice! I have some interesting plans for Manila. I'll let you know how things pan out! When I return to the states, two things are for certain: I really must speak Tagalog before returning to the Philippines. And I really should learn some conversational Japanese. I'm an NYU student now, so I'm sure that I can get a handle on both! Paalam na! |
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| Post | |||
| Alive and Kicking | |||
| 09:38pm 01/06/2009 | |||
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Returning to New York has been anticlimactic. Being in Florida was so much fun. I got my NYU ID today. I'm excited about that! Life is funny. I couldn't travel to the northeast for years to visit friends here and, now that I live in NYC, I don't seem to talk with anyone I used to know that lived in this region. For years, I was unable to get out to California to visit old friends and now I'm shooting past Cali on my way to the Philippines in a few weeks. I plan to make a stop in California at the end of the summer, but still. I travel to Florida seemingly every other month, but I have not seen my father or my brother in a very long time. I went from wanting to travel so badly it made my skin crawl and being unable, to traveling frequently - but not necessarily all the of the places I really need to. |
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| Read 1 - Post | |||
| Drunk and Sun Burned | |||
| 11:54pm 29/05/2009 | |||
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I finally got a day at the beach. Returning to Florida for Vacation 1.0 has been pleasant. Vacation 2.0 will lead Kandice and I to the Philippines next month. I am sunburned and drunk - a perfect combination! Champagne and beach adventure in the sun... I am really very lucky. I have my soulmate and a break from New York. I cannot think of anything special to say - life is too amazing to leave alone! |
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| Read 1 - Post | |||
| Smart Things, Stupid Things, Cannot Wait For Things | |||
| 02:42am 29/04/2009 | |||
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I hadn't played basketball in a long time and allowed myself to fall out of shape. I shot around some today on 6th ave near Washington Square and engaged a young man in a few minutes of one-on-one. Thankfully, he had pity on me and didn't really D-Up too hard. I was embarrassingly horrible and now I feel like I got hit by a truck. It did not take long to exhaust myself far too much and now I wish that I didn't. I have been accepted to attend NYU. I have not received my acceptance letter in the post and am anxious to find out what kind of financial aid I can expect to receive. Kandice is resourceful and found out that I had been accepted. It's hard to get excited without a solid plan, however. Speaking of waiting, I'm going with Kandice and her mom to the Philippines in June. It'll be good to get out of the country for awhile. A vacation sounds SOOOOOooooo good! Recently, I was in a commercial for some sort of a bag company. It was shot at Mason Dixon and I found myself drunk, full of candy, and riding the mechanical bull at the end of it. Not a bad day's work. My freelance corporate gig has really helped me to improve both my writing skills and acting skills. At NYU, I will be focusing on Creative Writing. Still, I have been pondering going back into the fray, battling for principal (acting) work. And why not? I've become a pretty good actor. Speaking of re-treading old ground, I have been filled with song ideas and cannot wait to put a new project together. Next time I'm in Florida, which should be in a few short weeks (for a pre-vacation mini-vacation with lots of beach time), I plan on grabbing some of my musical gear so that I can write and better plan a new project. More details to follow soon... I love New York and, in a way, I kind of hate it, too. My life would be simply amazing if I were able to: a)sleep more b)work less and c)have a social life. Going back to school should indirectly remedy a and might (eventually) help with c. It will make b nearly impossible, but my upcoming vacations should remedy a and b for the next two months. It is incredibly hard to make meaningful connections with people in this damned city. It's the only thing I hate about New York and it's something I really hate about New York. Meeting people isn't a problem here. But I'm starting to believe that making any kind of meaningful connection with anyone here is just not possible. So, if I stay in this city for the long-term, I can expect to: a)eventually find myself wealthy b)enrich myself with an incredible education and c)not a have a real friend outside of my soulmate and true love. Two out of three ain't bad...? |
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| Read 3 - Post | |||
| Pockets | |||
| 07:09am 15/04/2009 | |||
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I've been working a heck of a lot and I'm stressed out. I haven't been sleeping much and it's freaking me out. New York is a great city, but I'm dying to get out of it already. I'm waiting on so many things to happen that it's driving me crazier than usual. I think my quality of life will improve quite a bit with some of the news I'm waiting on (fingers crossed). If Kandice weren't such a great partner, encouraging me and inspiring me, I would probably be extraordinarily anxious and likely quite depressed. I'm glad to have my soulmate with me through all of this. I'm really very lucky. My dad has already commented on how happy I am. My mom has made the same observation. They both really seem to love the amazing effect she's had on me on so many levels. It's easy to see that I'm a better man with her by my side. And now, I have to make sure that I make her proud! |
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| Read 1 - Post | |||
| School Update | |||
| 05:48am 30/03/2009 | |||
| Today, I shall complete the final step in the admissions process. After that, I wait for the letter from the school and pray. | |||
| Read 1 - Post | |||
| Tell Me What's Happening | |||
| 10:15pm 20/03/2009 | |||
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Kandice and I celebrated one year together! We celebrated by going to the Met and followed that by eating Pinoy chow. I have a bead on a room to rent in a building with some friends. Though the economy is screwing with me, I should be able to manage this residential revolution. Jess came to New York to visit. We had some fun and a few narrow misses. Hit: A fun night at a bar on a friend's DJ night, 3 buck chuck, etc. Miss: Mechanical bull, beer in the park, etc. Kandice and I are in Tampa right now. Jess is at the table and Mama Bear is/was in the kitchen. My kitten is clutching my shoulders and kissing my cheeks. I am sleeping more now - but not nearly as much as I should on my mini-vacation - than I have in months (the last time we were in Tampa, probably), but my stress level feels much the same. I am working on and/or contemplating so many things at once that I really have no inner peace. |
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| Post | |||
| Preemptive Crises | |||
| 10:45am 26/02/2009 | |||
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Sometimes, I find myself seeking solutions to crises that haven't happened yet. When I decided weeks ago to go back to school - specifically, a creative writing program to sharpen my toolset and polish some of my talents - I had long taken my writing ability for granted. It had always been there and, even when I had written something awful, I never cast a shadow of doubt on it. Additionally, I had been so happy with my identity the past few years that it hadn't occurred to me to alter it by much. I've pondered and noted some potential shifts, but, overall, the waters have remained fairly even and calm. Gazing into the looking-glass now, I realize that I have lost my narrative voice. I am no longer proud of my writing - in fact, I'm a bit embarrassed by it. And the crisis doesn't begin there. I feel that my identity as a whole is completely up in the air (at best). I know that I'm transitioning into something new, as has long been my pattern, but I'm utterly shocked by how un-self-aware I have been about it. I'm very fortunate to have such a supportive soulmate! My first clue happened months ago, during the Julio ordeal. I acted very much out of character during most of the situation and this worried me quite a bit. Still, people have "off" weeks, and I blew my behavior off as an aberration. I have never been accused of being meek or pensive (and the situation escalated to violence regardless), but I had to wonder. Since coming to New York, I have had moments of a type of high-flying, tear-jerking inspiration that I've never felt before. But I have also had moments of meekness that I haven't experienced the likes of since elementary school. Where I was once so confident that it rubbed people the wrong way as arrogance, and where I once had such a difficult time relating to non-creatives that I shunned most other people; I spent much of my time in smug solitude. Now, my circumstances have thrown me in with the proletariat - so much so that I have been writhing about in a state of complete identity meltdown. Again, I had clues months ago: a surging fondness for Kerouac, Diners and 50's/60's/70's Country & Western music. Although this has recently manifested in a much more dramatic way (which I don't want to delve into here), this experience has made me a much nicer, and much more humble (!!!), person. My challenge has been in how to express myself. I find myself not having anything to say (again, I have been feeling this way for months, but for some reason I hadn't noticed) and when I do have something to say, I'm not sure how to say it or why. Who am I? What have I become? Why? I realized that, although I was a sweet person, I wasn't a nice person. I reserved my judgements for people and art, and my Zen for myself. I thank Kandice and my relationship with Kandice for being the catalyst for the changes I'm going through. Her love and friendship have made me see what's really important in life. How she leads her life - and her own growth and personal evolution in the time we've been together and how she has integrated it - has really inspired me. Even when I stumble and fall, she believes in me - even when I have been foolish enough to, perhaps, not deserve it. I am not used to someone standing by my side and believing in me through every trial I face - lifting me up when I cannot steady myself and smacking me in the back of the head when I'm acting like a jackass. And this feeling of being truly and remarkably loved has sent ripples out across my pond. The waves of such a powerful love have shaken me to my foundation like a natural disaster in reverse - an imploding natural miracle of sorts. It's really funny how the drive to go back to school seems to hold answers to parts of my crisis. How better can I re-discover my writing magic than by analyzing technique and being forced to write A LOT? Is there a better way to unlock my seemingly dormant determination than by re-discovering ambition as a result of putting myself in a very difficult position that literally demands all of my faculties? My troubles, when combined with my scholastic ambition, have thrust me directly in front of the speeding bullet of connectedness and humility. I have been thrown to the ground and beaten with the stick necessary to wake my ass up. And the ripple effect seems to be affecting those in my orbit - the few I have left, anyway. I feel closer to my family than ever and the few friends that I have mean more to me than I could have fathomed before. I know that part of the humility machine is a way for my subconscious to process failure. Sometimes we lose in order to win. But losing hurts. It's the lesson of hurting that reveals our true selves to us. Crisis is opportunity. Still, I find myself without an identity, struggling to find my voice, and hoping that I can pull it together enough to piece together some semblance of a life. Some days are tougher than others and Doubt has been a dangerous adversary, creeping into places it has never been able to penetrate and, really, parts of self it has no business visiting. Still, I know in my heart of hearts that the engine will turn over and my mojo motor will once again hum along. This time, however, I hope to know how to steer the automobile. I deeply regret hurting others in the past and pray that my Karma Computer remembers all of my kindness and the sweetness that I've always had in my heart. And I look forward to a long, happy marriage to my sweetheart. We'll have been together a year this March. |
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| Read 1 - Post | |||
| Life is Bizarre | |||
| 05:15pm 23/02/2009 | |||
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I've had such a spell of bad luck lately, that it's laughable. Like my Filipino in-laws-to-be, I cannot help but laugh when things just go bad. The economy has not been kind to yours truly and I hope to make something positive happen. Still, I'm on track to get into school and I share this wild ride with the love of my life. What else can I ask for? Cash. |
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| Read 2 - Post | |||
| Active Man | |||
| 04:23pm 04/02/2009 | |||
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Well... I'm taking an advanced Office Skills/Software course for a certification, I'm volunteering with CVSA, learning Quark by assisting in the editing of CVSA's guidebook, and I'm getting my University materials together - I already filed for State and Federal Financial Aid. I'm studying up for admissions and placement and I'm still doing background work and managing to slowly make friends and put together some semblance of a social life. On top of all that, I am having some life experiences that I am unable to write about here/now, but these experiences are also time-consuming and will be the stuff of a fascinating portion of my autobiography some day. I have found a very Zen place and feel quite at ease lately. I'm quite embarrassed by my recent inability to hold it together. What I'm not doing: eating, sleeping, getting frustrated or overloaded. I'm very fortunate to have such an amazing future wife in my life! And my family is making me proud, to boot! |
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| School Updates | |||
| 08:37am 30/01/2009 | |||
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I got my transcripts in the mail and I am asking for recommendations. Would anyone with an impressive academic or professional record be interested in writing a recommendation for me? |
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| Read 2 - Post | |||
| "Welcome to New York" | |||
| 04:33pm 26/01/2009 | |||
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Today, while working on a computer in a room filled with people working on computers, someone stole the iphone. It was sitting right next to me, charging. Some very nice people offered up use of their phones in an attempt to track it down, to no avail. A cop on the street directed me to a police station five blocks away that wound up not being where he had told me. I looked around and found it on my own. This precinct was the wrong one and I was given an address for a different one, six blocks away. I walked there and, again, no police station. It was nearby in a different location (on a different street). Again, this was the wrong precinct station. After some consultation with a nice officer there, I walked nine more blocks and this station was where it was supposed to be, though the first two people I spoke with wanted me to come back later and told me that I couldn't be assisted. Finally, a third officer interviewed me, I called the provider and got the 15-digit number they needed, and, while I waited, I met an actor who was there delivering evidence of the phone use when his phone had been stolen! This fellow was from Tampa and our common previous home turf sparked conversation. He offered to help me associate myself with a reputable acting studio and get some things sorted out. Interesting synchronicity. Another interesting synchronicity might be that, when Kandice dropped and busted her laptop, she wound up with a much better laptop as a result of a series of unexpected circumstances. Perhaps this pain in the rump might lead to something pleasant? Speaking of pleasant, Cubby and I enjoyed a nice day together yesterday and I cannot wait for us to have dinner together tonight. I miss my Kandice! |
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| Post | |||
| 11:09am 25/01/2009 | |||
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Now I have to ask for recommendations for school. I'm not completely sure whom to ask, but I need them signed, sealed and delivered rather quickly. I plan to attend an "admissions day" function on 2/07. This mercury retrograde has been quite trying! There have been more critical conversational miscommunications than I can shake a stick at. Strange arguments are afoot and I have learned that my stress level has transformed me into a meaner person than I am accustomed to being. The remedy is now in motion and I absolutely must learn to play nice with those I love and care about. Still, a lot of loose ends are being tied up, as evidenced by my pending return to school. I love you, Kandice! |
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| Read 1 - Post | |||
| What an Odd Moment in Time | |||
| 03:04pm 20/01/2009 | |||
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I'm putting the wheels in motion to go back to school, though I'll have to wait until next fall to attend. Kandice is assisting me with the process and, without her help, I'm not sure I could handle it on my own. I don't have any of my musical gear with me in NYC and I'm having song ideas daily... Funny how that works. Lately, I've been learning a lot about human nature and even more about myself. I found my dream job on Craigslist today and sent off my resume (which my Pumpkin has really helped me a lot with). If there is any goodness in the universe... Obama is President. Obama shirts, Obama plates, Obama candy, Obama shoes... Mr. Obama should give his PR firm a HUGE raise. HUGE. When will we suffer from Obama fatigue? When he makes his first colossal mistake? After he wins re-election? After some children choke on "Obama O's" cereal and a recall is sent out late? Well, I'm officially on a workout regimen again. My lady and I can do this together and she motivates me beyond belief. I think this Mercury Retrograde is about tying up the loose ends of the funk that was 2008. Still, meeting my soulmate is the best thing that could ever have happened to me, so I will always remember 2008 as a good year. |
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| I am in | |||
| 06:03pm 18/01/2009 | |||
| I'm taking steps to go back to school. Life has pushed me in this direction and I cannot say much except that the thought of potentially being a classmate of my soulmate is incredibly cute. Also, I look forward to the plethora of opportunities and challenges I'd face. | |||
| Read 2 - Post | |||
| My Thought of the Day (Originally Posted as a Comment) | |||
| 03:48pm 09/01/2009 | |||
| Will Dungeons & Dragons (and other role playing games) gain favor if we were to experience (or are experiencing the beginning of) a modern Depression? Afterall, this sort of entertainment option is quite inexpensive when you break it down to it's core elements: imagination, improv storytelling and group conversation. | |||
| Read 2 - Post | |||
| A Change | |||
| 03:36pm 09/01/2009 | |||
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I find myself becoming more of a Socialist than before. Tigers have rolled through the jungle and come out the other side with doves in their maws - better than coming out empty, right? I really love my Kandi! Is life amazingly funny? |
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| What a Week! | |||
| 11:10am 31/12/2008 | |||
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Another recap: * Had an amazing X-mas with Kandice and her mom. I got to meet aunt Lenora, attended a Catholic Mass for the first time ever and cried several times with holiday joy. Nearly everything about this particular holiday was last-minute, but nearly everything about it was entirely satisfying. My soul feels loved and happy - what more could anyone want? * I made gingerbread cookies and the three of us (Kandice, her mom and myself) cut them into shapes and decorated them together. Delicious! Since Kandice came into it, I am fully participating in my life as much as I can - particularly where the holidays are concerned. * I visited my mother and had a good time. She must think me an alcoholic as I imbibed from the first few minutes in her home up until the last few. We went out to dinner and I drank there, too. She took Kandice and I shopping and bought her future daughter-in-law some clothing as holiday cheer. My relationship with my mother is repaired and nearly normal. Soon, I expect that we'll find ourselves close. * Speaking of drinking, it feels like I've been intoxicated every other day since arriving in Florida. I know this isn't quite true, but gosh, my tummy tells me so. I've been riding the wine->sake continuum, so no worries there. We've been spending a lot of time with Jessie and never did get to play board games the other night. Still, Kandice's long-time best friend is good-hearted and silly - a winning combination - and a good friend! * Speaking of visits, I haven't been able to get ahold of my dad because of the phone situation and I spoke to Dave (McClanahan, my third-longest tenured friend) for the first time last night. I probably won't be able to visit either one, but I'm not back in NYC yet. * Kandice and I bumped into my ex. She behaved in a petty manner, as I expected. My life is amazing now and I can only wish her the same. * I miss the city and my friends there (Drew, Yuka and Ted; I'm thinking of you... Rich, Dan and Heather; I don't know you well enough yet)! I never thought I'd live somewhere that I enjoy. My circumstances haven't yet allowed me to get much leisure time in my "new" home town, but, so far, I really like it. Hopefully, 2009 is a brighter year (as circumstances go) than the last two have been. I met my soulmate in 2008, so, regardless of how miserably bleak it may have otherwise been, 2008 will go down in my memory as the best year I've ever had. * I've ended up staying in Tampa a few more days than expected and I'm glad; rest has been harder to come by than usual. I love spending time with my family! |
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| Read 3 - Post | |||
| Somebody Loves You | |||
| 12:21am 24/12/2008 | |||
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Week in review: * Temporarily lost phone service at a time when I'm expecting callbacks and negotiating a holiday trip to Florida. * Kandice and I bumped into Spike Lee at the 24 hour Starbucks in Union Square. He took a picture of Kandice and I and remarked "Remember, somebody out there loves you." He seemed to love the way we looked together. Too bad he didn't notice my actorfest bag to strike up a conversation. Ah well, one cannot work all the time. * Kandice got her first snowstorm (and my first in the longest time). With our friend Yuka, we had a snowball throwing experience (I certainly wouldn't call it a "fight") and took oodles of photos. I'd post some, but her laptop hasn't returned from computer hospital. * Friday's snowstorm threw a monkey wrench into our travel plans and, as a result, we spent a lot of time on standby and slept in the airport in Houston (but not for long enough to help much). Jess was awesome enough to pick us up in Ft. Myers and she shared her groovy news. Still, this delay allowed Kandice and I to have a lovely few days spent romantically; cuddled up, sipping sherry and eating cookies that I baked for the occasion. * We wrapped up most of our holiday shopping today (!!!) and appear poised to enjoy a magnificent stay in Florida. Happy Holiday, indeed! |
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butterflyrobert |
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Friends Info Calendar A Man who knows True Love and the Rapture and Inspiration it allows. |
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